What Works 行不行？

My favorite question to ask in relationship is “What works?”

I prefer this to “What is right?” “What is proper?” and “What should I do?” or even worse “What am I supposed to do?”

Each of these other questions has a judgment buried within it. It starts to invite blame, “You should have...” Walking around thinking I should have done things differently doesn't change anything, it just makes me feel bad.

I like to come back to “What works?” And, in the case of something gone amiss, “What would work better?” This is a question that leads to action and improvement rather than recrimination and bitterness.

This isn't about getting the right wording. There's an attitude behind the words. Words can be empty or alive. Anyone who has ever said “I love you” under duress knows the difference clearly.

What worked this morning was “I statements.”

It's been a tough couple of days. By the end of yesterday, each of us was ready to read insult or attack into even the most innocent words of the other. Our feelings were bruised and our defenses up. And despite repeated attempts to reach out to each other, our timing was off and each of our unreceived overtures of rapprochement left more bruises and disappointment.

This morning we started to get off track as well. We very nearly got into a discussion of “What went wrong?” with all of the concomitant need to accept blame, the desire to defend ourselves against blame, and the urge to place blame on the other person. It was a precarious moment.

It was Jiayu who first woke up a little. She said, “I think we should practice making 'I statements.' I'm finding it really easy to want to defend myself.”

I felt a great sense of relief and excitement. I knew we were back on the path to healthy relationship. I knew I could do this. This is part and parcel of the trainings and practices I have been involved in during the last decade of my life, a key focal point of my life. I knew that once we did this, we would tune back into each other and good relations would be restored.

I knew it would work.

An “I” statement does not simply begin with the word “I.” Some such statements are obviously counter-productive. “I think you're an idiot!” doesn't work. And it's not truly an “I” statement because it does not deal with internal experience. It looks outward.

So, what we're looking for is a form of honesty. We are seeking to communicate exactly what we are feeling inside. We are not looking outside of ourselves for causes or justifications, but instead are reporting our own experience, naked of our explanations and theories. We're after simple raw experience.

When we do this we get the feelings and thoughts that come up just before our defenses take action. We start to see ourselves more clearly. Likewise, without blame attached, even our anger can become acceptable. Our partner no longer has to duck our accusations or create their own story to ensure they come out clean. They can simply bear witness.

This actually works. It is much easier to hear, “When you said that, I felt really hurt and angry. I'm really pissed off at you right now.” than it is to be accused in a sentence like, “How could you say that? Do you have any idea how hurtful that is?”

Once the accusation is gone, it becomes easy for me to witness another person's difficult emotions and to be with them even when they are unhappy with me. Once two partners both feel safe from attack, then the difficult feelings can be cared for directly. A wider space opens up.

As Jiayu said, “'I' statements are hard. It's hard to stick with simple naming and not go into explaining or justifying.”

It is hard. It takes practice. It has even felt forced to me. It took me time to give up on a sense of artificiality and realize that there was a valuable skill to learn here. Likewise, it can be easy to be more concerned with getting the form right than practicing the self-observation which drives the method. Like making music it takes time to develop new skills.

After we practiced for a while, I asked Jiayu, “How do you feel right now?”

She said, “I feel much calmer and safer. I really enjoying being here with you now.”

Hearing that, my heart felt physically warm. I felt my muscles relax and a smile took over my face. I felt relief.

It had worked.

（翻譯）
在親密關係中，我最喜歡問：「怎樣才行得通？」

我不喜歡問：「什麼才對？」、「什麼才好？」和「我該做什麼？」，或更糟的是：「你到底要我怎麼做？」

因為這些問法之中隱藏了批判與責怪（「你那時應該…」）。不斷的回想當初該怎麼做無法改變任何事，只會讓我感覺更差。

回到「怎樣才行得通？」的思考。在事情發展不如人意時，「什麼會讓事情變得更好？」的思考讓我們朝向行動與改進，而不是怪罪與怨懟。

「怎樣才行得通」不是字斟句酌。我們話語的背後都藏有態度。語言可以是空洞的，也可以是活靈活現的。任何人曾經自然說出「我愛你」，和在壓力下說出「我愛你」就一定瞭解箇中差異。

今天早晨「怎樣才行得通」的答案是：「以『我』開始的敘述句」。

這幾天以來，我們的關係一直不斷摩擦。到了昨天，我們二人都開始在對方最不經意的話語中尋找污辱或攻擊。我們感到受傷，防禦也因此升起。雖然我們彼此不斷向對方發出友好訊息，但是時機總是不對。而每次嘗試失敗後，更多受傷與失望的感覺浮現。

今天早上我們又開始朝此軌跡前進。我們幾乎開始討論「到底出了什麼問題？」，而回到到底誰該怪誰，爭執錯誤的責任歸屬，與力爭自己並沒有錯而是對方的錯…。真是千鈞一髮的時刻。

Jiayu首先從中稍微覺醒。她說：「我想我們應該練習「『我』開頭的句子，我覺得現在太容易要防衛自己。」

我剎時感到一陣輕鬆與興奮。我知道我們又回到健康的親密關係路徑上了。我知道我可以跟她一同練習，因為這是我過去十年來所受的訓練中很重要的一部份。我知道我們一旦這麼練習，我們能找回相同的頻率，回復良好的關係。

我知道這樣行得通。

「我」敘述句並不是只要以「我」開頭就對。有些以「我」開頭的句子很明顯的有反作用，如；「我認為你是白癡！」。這樣的敘述並非「我」敘述句。「我」敘述句描述個人內在經驗，而非往外看。

所以，我們找尋的是一種誠實的形式，將內在真實的感受傳達給對方。我們不向外尋找原因或解釋，而是回報我們的內在感受，卸除解釋與理論。我們要的是原始的感覺。

這樣的練習讓我們找到在防衛機制升起前的感覺和想法，而更清晰的可以看到自己。同樣的，在沒有責怪意味的溝通之下，即使憤怒的感覺都可以被接受。我們的伴侶不需要躲避我們的責怪，或是確保他們不受傷害。他們可以僅是陪伴。

這真的行得通。比起責怪的語句如：「你怎麼這樣說？你知道這樣說很傷人嗎？」，聽到：「當你這麼說，我覺得很受傷，也很生氣，我現在真的很氣你。」對我比較容易接受。

當不感到被責怪，我能夠更容易的陪伴與看見對方的情緒，即使他們當下並不喜歡我。一旦伴侶彼此都感到安全、不會被對方攻擊，困難的感受就可以直接被照顧到，新的空間於是展開。

Jiayu說：「『我』敘述真的很難，要只說出真正感受，而不解釋或為自己辯護真的很困難。」。

這真的很難，也需要不斷練習。我有時甚至覺得得強迫使用。我花了一段時間才不感到這是個不自然的敘述，而是可貴的學習。同樣的，我們也很容易太過投入要將「我」敘述說正確，而非專注此練習中最重要的自我觀察。

在我們練習一會兒之後，我問Jiayu:「那現在你覺得如何」？

她說：「比較平和與安全，我現在很享受和你在一起」。

聽到她這麼說，我的心感到一股暖流。我覺得我的肌肉不再繃緊，臉上開始浮現微笑。我鬆了一口氣。

這樣真的行得通！