Wednesday, July 9, 2008

二個月之後 Two Months Later

曾經讓我魂飛魄散的,現在卻理所當然。

Retreat 水道的開端。Rob在船艙裡看海圖、稍做休息。我掌著舵,咒罵著瞬息萬變的風。它忽大忽小,忽東忽西。我不斷依風速與風向調整前帆和主帆。在與帆索拉扯的同時,想盡辦法不讓他們纏住我,同時,我的腳、腰、臀部輪流以適當角度頂住舵桿,穩定前進方向。我讓自己看起來一切都在掌握中。船速由零至六海里,再由六海里轉為零。 在航行二個月後,我開始有點抓住船與風共舞的節奏、前帆與主帆的對話,而不再一頭霧水,一個口令、一個動作般機械式照本宣科。< 我驚訝於自己的適應能力。從抱怨上廁所要走5分鐘,到覺得每天走45分來回就可以洗澡實在太幸福;從一沒有風就不耐煩的想開啟引擎,到好整以暇的和Rob聊天,有一搭沒一搭的在如鏡的海面耐心等待風起;從因看Rob升帆駛出灣口而劇烈胃痛和恐懼,到可以一個人掌舵逆風行駛起錨,再與Rob合作無暇的駛出更困難、狹窄的水道。十節海風與稍微傾斜的船身原本讓我驚恐莫名,而二星期前我在Johnstone海峽的20節風中從容掌舵。我的學習曲線如同NIKE的商標,一開始抗拒、恐懼、困難重重,但一旦通過某的關卡就急遽攀升。我對新事物好奇卻總是有莫名的恐懼,需要時間找到方法感到安全,然後就可以快速學習。
船與航行的字彙對我幾乎就是另一種語言。”Throw the starboard jib sheet off the winch now! (將右舷前帆索從絞盤解開)” Rob大聲下達指令。一開始,我只能楞楞站著,腦中中英辭典一頁頁快速翻閱卻怎麼都拼湊不出意義(別說英文,用中文說我也可能不知道該做什麼。再說,右邊不是”right”嗎?為何在飛機和船上就非要變成”starboard”?)。在航行中,以英文理解與溝通常令我沮喪、挫折莫名。要考試卻完全沒有準備或忘記的惡夢在消失多年之後重新出現。二個月之後,這些字詞開始成為生活的一部份。我可以在甲板上有效穿越,迅速整理帆索與升降帆布,甚至下達航行指令。我看到自己對控制的需要,對於無法控制的害怕,以及很快詮釋為自己不夠好。

爸爸問我:「要玩沒關係,但是要玩這麼久嗎?」。二個月之後,我瞭解這趟旅程既是遊玩,因為我抱著好奇、興奮、接受的心,也更是自我成長的重要里程。在離開被保護的環境、跳出既定的生活模式,我看到自己的潛力與極限,學習更自在的悠遊於世界,不管我在哪裡。

[translation]

Things that were previously overwhelming have now become completely ordinary.

The beginning of Retreat Passage. Rob is in the cabin looking at the charts and taking a rest. I'm at the helm cursing the shifty winds coming at me now from the east and then from the west. I am continuously adjusting the foresail and the main to suit the changing conditions. While pulling on these lines, I'm doing my best not to get tangled in them, all the while using whatever part of my body is available—legs, waist, butt—to keep the rudder in place and keep the boat on course. I worked very hard to look like I was totally in control. Meanwhile boat speed went from zero knots to six knots and back to zero.

Two months into this, I'm beginning to get a feel for the dance between sail set and wind. I'm beginning to understand a bit of the conversation that goes on between foresail and mainsail. I'm no longer blindly following orders with my head in a fog, no longer mechanically carrying out one unrelated action after another.

I am surprised by my own adaptability: From complaining about a five minute walk to the bathroom, to feeling that a 45 minute walk to a free shower is a luxury. From impatiently wanting to start the engine the minute that the wind died off to taking the time to relax and chat with Rob on and off, languidly waiting for a puff of wind to come disrupt the polished mirror surface of the water and get us moving again. From suffering severe stomach cramps from watching Rob tack up against shore to get out of a narrow harbor to being able to single hand the boat to windward to pull the anchor out under sail and then working with Rob to sail out of the same opening as a team. Ten knots of wind used to fill me with terror as it leaned the boat over. By the time we hit 20 knots of wind in Johnstone Strait, I could steer the boat on my own.

My learning curve is shaped like the Nike swoosh. In the beginning, I am frustrated, afraid, and everything is difficlut. But as soon as I get past the first barrier, my learning takes off at a rapid pace. I am both curious toward and terrified of new experiences. It takes me time to find a way to feel safe. Afterwards, I'm a quick learner.

The terms used on a boat are like learning an entirely new language. When Rob called loudly, “Throw the starboard jib sheet off the winch now!” at first I would just stand there, my head flipping through my internal English dictionary as quickly as I could but not any suitable meaning for the words. Even if the words were in Chinese I probably wouldn't know what to do. Doesn't the word “right” mean “right?” So why on a boat does it become “starboard?” Using English as our primary sailing language used to leave me frustrated and confused. It re-awoke my old nightmare of showing up for a test forgetting to prepare in advance.

Two months later, this strange vocabulary has become an everyday part of my life. I've become adept at deck work, I can organize the sheets, halyards, and other various lines swiftly and easily. I can quickly raise and douse the mainsail, and even give orders when I have the helm. I've seen my own need for control, my fear of not being in control, and my tendency to quickly criticize myself for not being good enough.

My dad said to me, “It's ok if you want to go off and have some fun? But how long do you intend to keep this up?” Two months later, I understand that while this is playing, because I am curious and excited and willing to accept my experience, it's also a very important moment of personal growth for me. Leaving behind the safe, protected environment of home and jumping out of my habitual mold, I've seen own potential and my own limits. I'm learning how to move more easily through the world, no matter where I am.