“Now that I’m enlightened, I’m just as miserable as ever.” -- D. T. Suzuki
The practice of acceptance is not passive. The image of the fatalist Buddhist is a misunderstanding. Acceptance is not a plodding inaction nor an unwillingness to respond to the world. Instead, it's the willingness to see one's best plans ripped from one's hands and yet maintain balance and poise. It's a willingness to feel all of the concomitant misery without losing one's direction. It's the practice of maintaining equanimity in the face of both pain and pleasure. It's learning to simply take the next step, even if it looks nothing like the one originally imagined.
It's been a whirlwind of getting ready. It's hard to believe how much work we've taken on to get the boat in the shape we want it for the trip. In addition to learning new skills and advancing my abilities, I have also worked myself to exhaustion, injured myself, and even botched important jobs. I wake up tired and find it hard to get started. I drag my feet each day, but once I throw myself in, I'm in. And yet, despite my best efforts, things don't always go my way.
Just today, a day with no rain forecast, the rain hit just after we put a coat of non-skid paint on the deck. So now, in a time crunch already, we have the additional step of sanding the damaged portion of this coat of paint back and starting fresh. As small as it sounds, this is no simple coat of paint, no home latex that simply goes on with a brush. The preparation and techniques are exacting. And if tomorrow brings no weather window, our time window will also close and we will have to re-sand the entire deck and start the process anew. The paint will no longer be chemically ready to accept another coat.
As clearly as I can see that this is simply part of the practice of sailing, dancing to the eccentric rhythms of the weather, and accepting life's inevitable vicissitudes, I still find it heart-breaking to see a day's work shattered by a few errant rain drops. Even 20 scant minutes would have saved the paint job. It's hard not to rail futilely at the sky. We worked so hard to bring this together...
I see that this breakdown in plans is but a mild taste of what it takes to navigate a boat by wind and tide, So many of our best plans fall by the wayside like tree branches taken in winter's storms. Our lives have bare spots where branches of ourselves have fallen. Life's storms break the symmetry of our intentions. Blotches in my deck paint mark the passing of rain.
We are learning to dance with forces that are beyond our own vision. As surely as we will make smooth passages and bask in nature's glory, sometimes the wind will quit blowing in the middle of a rocky channel, just as the tidal current turns against us. We will be left with a dead set of plans and a demanding new reality to accept.
But Even with this tiny glimmer of clarity, I remain miserable. I am thankful for Suzuki's reminder to accept even my own feelings.
I mourn for my losses. I mourn for my dead plans. I mourn for my damaged work and my uncompleted projects. And unlike the enlightened, I regain my poise and balance slowly. Before finding my direction and resuming effective action, I take some time to hurl futile anger at the sky, shake my fist, and pick a few choice words for the fates. It's like pointing a sailboat straight upwind. The sail flaps and makes a lot of noise, but the boat goes nowhere.
Eventually, I find acceptance. Giving up my opposition to the weather, I see my next step. The project moves forward again.
(翻譯）
「吾已悟道，卻仍悲慘如昔。」──日本禪學大師玲木大拙。
接納並非被動的接受。佛教教導的也並非無奈的宿命論。接納不是情非得已的不做任何行動，也不是對世界的無回應。接納是能夠在自己完美計畫無預警的被毀壞時仍願意保持平衡與穩定；能夠在接二連三的慘事之後仍維持原定方向。接納是練習在面對苦樂的同時，仍能保持平和；學習在意外時刻仍能單純的跨出下一步。
我們如被旋風狂掃的準備起程的工作。為了讓船在啟程前達到我們希望的狀態，我不敢相信我們已經投入多少心力。除了學習新技術與精進自己能力之外，我還工作到精疲力竭、傷痕累累，許多完成度差的工作也不斷需要修補。我常在疲憊中醒來，不願開始新的一天。我總是拖著沈重的腳步開始，但一旦投入後，又全心全意深陷而不可自拔。然而，即使盡我全力，天公不一定作美。
就像今天，天氣預報為晴朗的一日，但是就在我們剛完成為甲板刷上第一層防滑漆的同時，天空飄起雨來。時間已經如此緊迫，而現在，我們又多了一道工作──磨平甲板被雨侵蝕的部分再重新油漆。甲板漆並非一般輕易用刷子塗抹的油漆或家用乳膠漆。這個工作聽來簡單卻需要精確的事前準備與技術。假使雨持續不停，讓我們無法在時限內刷上第二層防滑漆，由於第一層防滑漆無法在時效內與第二層漆產生化學結合，我們就得磨平全部甲板而重新來過。
即使我可以清楚意識到這只是航海過程的一部份，我們得跟著氣候古怪的韻律擺動，接受生命的無常，但是看著一整天辛勤的工作就被幾滴雨點瓦解，我不禁感到心碎。再多給我們20分鐘，工作就可以完成了！即使沒有任何意義，我很難不對著天空咒罵：我們這麼努力，就差這麼一點點….
我努力將這些計畫之外的插曲視為我們即將藉風與潮汐航行旅程的前奏。如同冬季暴風中被吹掃落地的孱弱樹枝，我們完美的計畫也不堪一擊。生命之風打斷我們均衡的意圖，而甲板上油漆的水窪則留下雨點走過的痕跡。
我們學習與不可見的力量共舞。風絕對可能帶著我們一路順暢，讓我們沈浸在大自然的光輝；它也可能在我們通過湍急狹窄水道時突然停止，就如同水流可能轉向。我們只能看著原先計畫失去效用，被迫接受嶄新而迫切的事實。
但是，即使擁有此一微弱的洞見，我仍然感到沮喪。我感激玲木提醒我對自己沮喪的感受也學習接納。
我為我的失落哀悼：那些未能完成的計畫、被毀壞的、與未完成的工作。無法如同悟道之人一般，我得緩慢的恢復我的安定與和諧。在重新找到我的方向與回復有效行動之前，我對著天空咆哮、揮舞我的拳頭、選擇我咒罵命運的字眼。我無效的情緒發洩就如同將帆船直接轉向風來的方向：帆布大肆擺動，發出巨響，但是船卻停留原地。
