「行」？「不行」？(To Go or Not?)

隨著離開台灣的日子越來越接近，之前大聲說的篤定，甚至期待提早啟程的我居然開始有些驚慌。

我並非從小就存有航行的夢想，也未曾像Rob一般對船痴狂過。雖不到拋家棄子的地步，那我又為了什麼做如此重大的決定呢？我開始懷疑自己是否如一些人所說的太過衝動？是否太過任性而為？

這樣的猶豫也影響我和Rob的關係。原本每日在Skype的甜蜜相會都開始劍拔弩張起來。我潛意識的以我的難搞測試著他的耐心、無理取鬧考驗他的彈性。我的恐懼仔細監視著我們的互動，一有不對勁就大聲對我說：「此人不足以信任也。」

所以我開始寫下我要面對的不同，試著釐清我此行的動力為何。這一寫則非同小可，我才驚覺自己要面臨的改變：

台灣（東方）/美國（西方）、中文/英文、陸地/海洋、公寓/船艙、工作/旅程、穩定/冒險、諮商（人）/航行（自然）、單身/伴侶……

我問自己：是什麼讓自己需要這樣尋求極端？我再問自己：真的是這樣黑白二元對立嗎？難道我得這樣激烈擺盪，而非緩緩前進嗎？

我不斷的看著我列出的看似極端的對比，卻逐漸發現自己改變與尋找的歷程，途徑越來越清晰：

從小我就是功課好的乖學生，我考第一名、讀最好的學校，即使叛逆在碩士轉換了個當時不入流的科系，也都還是選長春藤學校就讀。我重視智性的發展，我強硬、理智、嚴肅、俐落、喜歡邏輯、知識、地位。我的經驗教我人定勝天，失敗一定是不努力，人生是自己選擇的結果。

在重重的跌了一跤之後，我逐漸開始體認到好強讓我易碎、理智讓我情感壓抑而孤立、人定勝天讓我成為控制狂，只有智性讓我的節奏僵硬而破碎。我才開始學習：受傷卻能復原帶來的堅強才有韌性；擁抱自己柔軟、女性的部分讓我找回失落的碎片，感情流露和理智分析並不衝突；除了「我」之外，還有我和他人、我和自然、我和宇宙的韻律關係。我發現二元並非對立，而可以並存，彼此激盪成為更為多元、更為完整（whole）。

再回頭看看自己列出的二元對立，我恍然大悟：其實自己並非激烈擺盪，只是現在所尋求、所練習的，都是原來所失落、欠缺的：我要學習海洋的含容與流動、學習放下控制而順應大自然的節奏、學習在生活中嚴肅遊玩、學習隨處安身立命、學習與另一人親密相處之道。

原來，我只是將自己失落的、未知的經驗逐一補足與體驗，希望自己更加的完整而已。


(Translation)

As the time of departure draws near for me, my earlier certainty, enthusiasm, and anticipation have given way to a rising panic.

This boat journey was never my childhood dream, and I’ve never been crazy for boats the way Rob is. And even though I’m not abandoning my friends and family, I am beginning to wonder why I’ve decided to make such a big decision. Is it like some of them said? Am I being too impulsive? Too willful?

My hesitation is beginning to affect my relationship with Rob. Our meetings on Skype which used to be so sweet have become tense. Unconsciously I’ve been making myself difficult to test his patience, and I’ve been contrary to test his flexibility. In my fear I keep a vigilant eye on our interaction, and at the first sign that anything is not quite right my fear cries out, “This man is not trustworthy.”

So, I’m writing down the changes I have to face to get clear about what is driving this fear. And writing this has turned out to be a bigger task than I thought it would It has brought me face to face with the enormity of the changes I am facing:

I am Leaving Taiwan (East) for America (West). Switching from Chinese to English. Leaving the land to live on the water. I am leaving my job behind and simply traveling for six months. I’m going from financial security to uncertainty, as well as from counseling and working with people to sailing and living in nature. From being single to living with a partner.

I ask myself, “What makes me seek out such extremes?” I also ask, “Do I have to make such a stark choice? Do I have to jump from one side to the other? Can’t I just take my time and move forward slowly?”

I have been looking long and hard at these seemingly extreme choices, and I’ve come to understand the changes I’ve gone through in a new light. I’ve come to understand the changes in what I’m looking for in life. My path is becoming increasingly clear.

Ever since I was small I’ve taken great pride in being a good student. I placed first in my exams and attended Taiwan’s very best schools, including Taiwan’s top university. And even when I rebelled and took my masters in psychology, at the time a very unpopular choice in Taiwan, still, to meet my own standards I had to go to an Ivy League school. My focus was the growth of my intellectual capacity. I was strong, rational, serious, and well organized. I loved logic, knowledge, and position. My experience taught me that people have the ability to prevail and that failure simply means we haven’t tried hard enough. We choose our own outcomes in life. These were my beliefs.

After taking a few hard falls, I began to discover that my need to be the strong one made it easy for me to break. My love of rationality led me to suppress my feelings and left me emotionally isolated. My belief that we must always prevail turned me into a control freak. My focus on intellectualism left me stiff and broken.

Only then did I discover that healing after hurt brings true strength. Embracing my tender side and my feminine side let me begin to recover my broken pieces. I found that reason and feeling were not actually in conflict with each other. And besides “me” myself, I found there was me in relationship to other people, to nature, and to the universe. I discovered that opposites are not necessarily in conflict and can co-exist, that conflict can give way to multiplicity and can open space for more wholeness.

Looking back at the stark changes I outlined above, I’ve had an epiphany: It’s not that I’m making a radical jump. It’s that what I’m looking for now are the things that I formerly left out of my life, the things that I’ve been missing. I want to learn the ocean’s acceptance and flow. I want to let go of control and move in accord with nature’s rhythms. I want to learn to play and have fun as well as be serious, to have some serious fun. I want to learn how to thrive and find peace anywhere I go in the world. And I want to learn how to live in intimacy with another person.

So, it turns out I’m on a journey to reclaim my lost pieces, to have the experiences which have been missing, to find more wholeness.